What, me worry?

I’m a worrier. My mom is a worrier, and frankly, I blame her for my worrierness. (Thanks, Mom.) I remember one night when I was maybe five, Mom saw what was probably just some kids smoking cigarettes behind a neighbor’s house. She was all freaked out because she saw them lighting matches, and all I really remember was cowering by Mom as I imagined the whole neighborhood being set on fire.

Match being lit

Fire -- it doesn't have to be scary

As an adult, I’ve noticed a sad sort of creativity to my worries. When I took voice lessons for a short time, my teacher had her students perform at an open mic. At a rehearsal we had the week before the performance, all us nervous newbies were taking turns singing our songs. One of my fellows tried to put things in perspective and said, “What’s the worse that could happen?” I said, “We could be so nervous that we lock our knees (a no-no I remember being harped on in high school marching band), pass out and fall forward, impaling ourselves on the microphone stand.”

Once I was early for an appointment and I sat in my car, reading as I waited. My shoes were uncomfortable, so I untied the shoelaces to loosen them up. Then it dawned on my how dangerous that was because, if there was an earthquake, and I had to jump out of the car to run for cover, I might trip on the shoelaces, knock myself unconscious on the blacktop, and be squashed beneath a lightpole knocked over during the quake.

Heartburn becomes a heart attack; a headache becomes a tumor.

It could become a sort of game. I’m writing this post now, and what’s the worst that could happen?

I spill my coffee on the keyboard (a tragedy in itself because, y’know, it’s a waste of coffee) and jump up to quickly get a towel before it ruins my expensive gaming keyboard… I trip over a cat and fall on the floor, hard. The downstairs neighbor gets pissed, comes upstairs and pounds at my door. I’m a little groggy from the fall, so I answer the door and the neighbor punches me in the face. The cats attack him, claw out his eyes and hideously disfigure him. Not wanting the cats to be taken away and put down, I am left with no choice but to kill the neighbor, cut him up and discard his remains, living with the guilt for the rest of my life.

Or… I spill coffee on the keyboard and, by a one in a bazillion fluke, it sends a perfect sequence of electrical signals to my computer, writing the ultimate virus and somehow sending it to every email address that has ever existed — past, present and future — thus disseminating an accidental piece of code that ends up bringing all the world’s computer systems to their knees. Chaos ensues.

Or…

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One thought on “What, me worry?

  1. Or… You spill coffee on the keyboard, it overflows and runs onto your desk and instead of letting it dribble off the edge and onto your floor, you quickly dam it up with your hands and hold it there while trying to think what to sop it up with. In the meantime, it finds its way through the gaps between your hands and the desk and heads for the edge! You say “ah, hell” and lean up against the desk so that your nice new white t-shirt that you had just taken the tags off of earlier that night soaks up the brown gritty liquid. Since it’s too late now, you take it all the way by leaning over and laying yourself across the desk and your keyboard and dabbing your whole torso on the spill. *BzzzdTT!!* [Sparks!! …. All the lights in your house go out.] You lie there, eyes wide, teeth clenched, dead. One last spark. *Bzzdt*

    Or…

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